Terbear

and i can’t get out.

day after day i’m doing terribly. its a  mix of stress and lack of sleep and just plain laziness… and i don’t know waht to do to get out of it.

and fucking pb. excuse my language. but i actually have an ADDICTION. i know that sounds stupid. but it is. and i can’t get out of it.

day by day i’m getting fatter. and you would think that that would be motivation enough to stop. its not.

in the past 24hours i’ve eaten the most ridiculous amount of bread its not even funny…. i’m bloated beyond belief.

i hate hormones. hate them. i kid you not, i’m bipolar before i get my period emotionally and in terms of my eating…

 i’m clearly stressed for my exam tomorrow (even tho i haven’t studied all that much) and stressed for water polo national championships this weekend. i dont wana play. i’m so unmotivated by everything right now.

ow, i’m so bloated right now this sucks.

guess you’ve figured out that my 3 days were good and now have done a 180.  i did weigh in at 172 on monday. which i was aok with … but god knows what i weigh now… FUCK! i think i should just quit…. it seems like the easiest approach right now. i’m also just so overwhelmed by everything (school, water polo, work) and these past 4 days is ALL that my life has been. haven’t been home at all all those days except to sleep (and binge )

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i’m a failure.

Hey everyone!

 So yesterday was THE LONGEST DAY EVER! I had to be up at 615 to eat before staff training at 8. Then i had staff training from 8-1:30, and worked from 1:45-8. Then I had water polo practice from 8-10PM. Boy was I dead.

Learned the importance of not skipping  a meal though. During the staff training we were given snacks. The only thing that wasn’t in a shiny package were clementines. So from 8AM-1:30PM all I had was 4 clementines because I stupidly left my meals in the car. I ate my healthy meals at 2:15 (banana, green beans and chicken), 5:45 (broccoli and chicken), 8:15(protein shake), and 10:45 (tilapia and green beans) but that morning of not eating enough threw me for a loup and I ended up having peanut butter on toast (which wasn’t terrible) and chips (wasn’t my best decision.) I’m not letting myself feel guilty. I’m just going to learn from it and call it my “cheat meal”.

Today is a new day, and I’m just as motivated! Was going to get up early to go to the gym, but when my alarm went off, I pretty much decided that after yesterday, I could use some extra sleep (plus I have practice tonight). I’m supposed to weigh in today. Don’t really know when I plan to do it…. considering I would usually do it in the morning with an empty stomach. But maybe I’ll just do it later in the day before a meal, when my stomach is ish empty. I don’t want to let the number ruin my day, you know? But it was my goal number 2… so I gotta do it. I WONT LET THE NUMBER DEFINE MY LIFE THOUGH. It’s just a reference tool. Just gotta keep telling myself that.

So today is:
6 eggwhites, 30g oats, 75g blueberries, coffee (10AM)
(school)
broccoli and chicken (1PM)
(work)
tuna and spinach (+balsamic vinegar) (4PM)
(work)
red bell pepper and chicken (7PM)
(practice)
shake + cocoa (and fruit if hungry) (10:30PM)

TODAY WILL BE A GREAT DAY! I feel it! Plus I’m really loving my new job, and the people are so great! And I just have so much fun! Plus when I’m busy I don’t think of food very much, so it makes it easier! I’m really in a great mood!

HOPE THAT YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT DAY TOOOOOOO!!!! Put a huge smile on your face, it just feels good!

So yesterday I had a perfect day. I mean, it really helps that I wasn’t home all day, but considering the food around at the pool (where I work) I easily could have done badly. there were hot dogs and a fully stocked cantene and chocolate bars and i had NONE of it!!

This was my day
1-6 eggwhites, 30g oats, 100g blueberries, coffee
(workout - trained legs)
2-banana and protein shake
3-chicken and asparagus
4-turkey and red bell pepper
5-tilapia and broccoli
(workout- trained back and bis)
6-1/2 scoop protein and cocoa

HOW AWESOME IS THAT!!!!??! Sorry, i’m just really proud of myself. And my new job was really fun. The staff was GREAT!
Today is going to be such a long day. I Have staff training from 8:15-1:30, work from 2-8 and have water polo practice from 8-10. I’m going to be SO exhausted. AND i have an  online test to do today…. Which I probably wont get around to come to think of it. :S
Thats like… a 16 hour day (because i was up at 6:30 and will only be home from practice at 10:30PM)… OY i’m going to be tired…
Well I wish you buddies all the best of luck!! I’m glad that I’m back on track and I wanna make this motivation stick around!  

So I completed an amazing day! I’m really proud of myself. Unfortunately I’m coming down with a cold. But i wont let that stop me!

Went to the competition. Loved it. Like absolutely loved. I want that to be me on that stage one day! And my friend looked amazing, obviously! lol

What I ate today:
100g blueberries, 30g oats, 6 eggwhites, coffee
can of tuna, green beans
4oz chicken, broccoli
4oz chicken, asparagus
1/2 scoop protein, 2tbsp almond butter, apple, 99% dark chocolate.

didn’t do a workout today, mainly because my cold is progressing. My body also needed the rest. that’s one thing i’ve learned with training hard. Your body tells you when you have to stop. But I’m planning on going tomorrow. Then I work all day. I really hope I feel better! I’ll pop some tylenol cold, that usually works, hehe.

anyway, just wanted to document the fact that i did well today.

oh, p.s. i got my staff 2 piece today, and they were made TINY! i’ve got work to do to feel remotely comfortable in it. but i can do it!!!

hope you all had a great day! can’t wait to read your posts in the morning!
oxox

Hey everyone!

So I’ve got one good night under my belt. Didn’t binge at night, so woke up feeling good, and not super bloated (which is always nice right?).

Just ate breakfast. Had 6 eggwhites, 30g oats, 100g blueberries, and coffee. Good solid meal.
Here’s what’s already made for me and waiting in the fridge:
tuna + green beans
tilapia + broccoli
tilapia + green beans
chicken + green beans
chicken + broccoli
turkey + spinach

So i have TONS of options, all which I really enjoy so I really want to stick to it. Every 2-3hours I get to have a meal, so I should be set!

Also, those cookies I baked, I’m bringing them to my staff today. They can’t be in my house. I don’t have that kind of willpower right now and I will sabotage myself with them. Plus, I know my staff will like them!! hehe. My mom might not be TOO impressed, but i’ll leave her a couple. She usually understands when I do these things.

I’m really going to try and make it to my friend’s fitness competition today. Last time I went to one of these, I got really really motivated so I’m hoping the same thing will happen today. I mean, staring at guys and girls in minimal clothing on stage, how can I NOT get motivated right?! haha plus this is what I want to do eventually, so I gotta get into that scene as often as possible. Hopefully my mom will get home at the tiem she said she would… because my friend is supposed to be on stage around 2, and I have a tendancy to get lost going places. Although this time I printed directions that although will take a little longer to get there, at least I know the area!

Wow… sorry for going on for so long!
Although I usually try and send all my positive energy to you guys, I’m going to be selfish for the next couple days, because I need all the positive energy possible! But feel free to feed off of it!

Have a great day everyone!!
xoox

Hey all

So I need lots of little goals working up to this big competition goal (which I REFUSE to give up on!). But see, i was looking so far in the future that it was overwhelming. I’m making little weekly and bi-weekly goals now. Things I can obviously do.

Goal 1: cook meals. I just cooked all my meals for the weekend. And they should be great! Perfectly portioned and really healthy!

I’m weighing in on Monday. The first time I will  have weighed in about a month, and I can guarantee I’ve gained all the weight back this month by the Hell i’ve been feeding my body and doing to my body. But you know what, that’s okay because its a fresh start. So I’m actually going to make goal #2 to be weigh in on Monday no matter what happens this weekend. I’m scared to weigh in…. therefore I have to make it a goal.

I’ll tell you my future goals after weigh in. They’ll obviously be weight related, but also like meal related and stuff. Shouldn’t be all that many exercise related goals, because exercise is my life. Unfortunately you wouldnt really know that by looking at me. But that is about to change!!! :)  do any of you have great tips to keep motivated. I find sometimes, even if i lose my motivation for like , 1oseconds, I tend to spiral out of control (aka food….). Any tips would be great!

I start work this weekend. I’m still lifeguarding (which I’ve been doing for 5 years now) but it’s at a completely different pool. One of my really close friends works there and I’m excited to work with her, but I’m nervous for all the new members and remembering names (I tend to forget names easily… :S). The staff is great and really accepting of new members so I shouldn’t be all that worried. But I’m a stress case sometimes (and by sometimes, you clearly all know me well enough to know that it’s like ALL the time, hehe). I can do this! I can be confident in this new job! I will be confident!!!!

 *sigh* Life is so much better when I’m happy like this. Why don’t I spend all my days like this?! (yes… most of you probably think I’m bipolar by now… even I am starting to think that a little bit!!)

It’s nightitme here, so I guess I’ll wish you all goodnight! I’ll post again in the morning!

<3 

so i was at the gym last night doing my best friend’s bootcamp class, and my body totally turned on me. i haven’t taken a day off training and i completely could not function. i may give up on a lot of things in life… but workouts are NOT one of them. i had to stop in the middle, and i ran off to the bathroom and started balling. which is really really unlike me. then i psyched myself back up and went back to the class to finish. But after the class my friend came to talk to me, and i tried to stay strong (I NEVER cry in front of people, actaully I rarely cry at all) and I completely broke down right in front of her. It was a release I guess, I do feel a bit better… but now I gotta face whatever the hell is bugging me. which i’m pretty sure i just being completely lost in life. i don’t know what i’m doing, where I’m going. i don’t have good goals, and i get down on myself really easily. I just…. dont’ know where to start to make things better….

 I’m scared buddies… scared of what I’m doing with my life. I’m stuck.

Hey buddies!

I am sooooo tired! last night I stayed up WAY too late reading New Moon, but my body is so used to waking up before 9 that I got very little sleep. that scares me cuz when I’m tired, I’m hungry….

Yesterday was a pretty damn good day. I had one pretty big slip which was completely correlated with the fact that I thought my best friend got unneccessarily mad at me… long story short, i don’t think she was that bad, but i felt my heart drop when she started getting upset, and I turned to food…
But all and all I still think I had an awesome day. My body is physically exhausted though. All of my muslces hurt from weight training (because I haven’t taken any days off recently like i know I should have)…. and yeah. But my easting is still ipmroving. I’m feeling more accomplished, even with slips. I can do this. Slowly but surely.

I don’t have much to update. I’m too tired… ugh… I want the sun back and my energy!!!!!

hope that you all have a great day!
xoxox

UPDATE: I just made a very poor decision in making chocolate chip cookies. I ate tons of the batter. Not only is that a TON of calories but my tummy hurts now. but I refuse to, uh… compensate lets say. i dont konw whats worse though… teh fact i already ate the batter, or teh fact that i’m goign to have fresh cookies in my house. damn… that was such a bad bad bad decision!!!!!

Good morning buddies!!

Okay, so yesterday during the day, i was absolutely positively pefect! and am really proud of myself for that. but at 11:45PM I started to mess up. granted, it could have been a worse. I know it’s because I didn’t eat enough calories during the day but it was unfortunate. Although, YESTERDAY WAS THE FIRST TIME THAT I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!! That sounds like a stupid accomplishment but I swear to you, for the past 4 weeks I’ve had at least 500 calories worth of peanut butter each day. So yesterday was great!! I’m really quite proud of myself.  Oh i also woke up in the middle of the night and not thinking at all ate 2 cookies… but really I can’t be mad at myself for that. I will just adjust today. Add a little more calories to my day. I’m still really really happy though, because I need that almost perfect day to prove to myself I can do this!

So this was yesterday:
1- oats, protein, blueberries, coffee
2- 4oz chicken, cuccumber
3- spinach, 1/4 red pepper, broccoli, 2oz sweet potato, 4oz pork
4- 1/2 shake (before workout)
5- 30g oats, shake(post workout)
6- well….. lots of stuff. but NO PEANUT BUTTER

Today’s plan:
1- oats, protein, blueberries, coffee
2- tuna, broccoli
3- chicken, spinach
4- turkey burger, broccoli
5- shake (before practice)
6- shake and oats or fruit (after practice)

 hope you all have a fabulous day! i wish the weather here would be better because that always has an effect on my  mood… but i wont let the rain bring me down. I WONT! I WILL BE THE HAPPY AND POSITIVE PERSON I KNOW I AM!!!!